In my last newsletter, I told you how I tried to rush through healing the same way I had rushed through life.
And somewhere along the way, I started realizing something uncomfortable.
Maybe I wasn't going to be able to rush my way out of this.
Maybe there wasn't a shortcut at all.
Spoiler alert:
There wasn't. 😂
Trust me, I tried.
For the past seven years, I have learned, healed, grown, fallen down, gotten back up, tried something new, made progress...
and sometimes found myself right back in burnout.
Round and round I went.
And one of the hardest things I've had to accept is that there is no cheat code to becoming happy and fulfilled.
There is no magical destination where suddenly everything inside of me disappears because I finally accomplished enough.
And there definitely wasn't a shortcut around burnout.
For much of my life, I was trying to become better.
Successful.
Financially free.
Healed.
Disciplined.
Somebody who mattered.
Somebody who belonged despite what my past wounds told me.
And here's the thing:
I accomplished things.
Things that I always wanted.
I grew.
I healed things.
I learned a lot.
I became wiser.
But I also started noticing the patterns that kept following me from one destination to the next.
Still operating from survival.
Still avoiding.
Still questioning whether I was enough or worthy.
Still carrying baggage, responsibilities, and sometimes other people toward whatever finish line I had decided would finally make me happy and fulfilled.
It was like I had this giant pile of crap sitting directly in front of me and kept thinking:
Okay... but surely there's a way around it?
😂
Nope.
Turns out, I have to sift through the crap.
Yup. Be uncomfortable.
Declutter.
Organize.
Feel.
Clean.
Let go.
Laugh.
Remember.
Cry.
Forgive.
Scream.
(Yikes. Who wants to do all that?)
But every time I tried to go around it looking for a cheat code, eventually I found myself facing the same things again.
Wherever you go, there you are!
Different year.
Different situation.
Sometimes different people.
Same patterns.
Same or similar outcomes.
What's that saying about doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results?
Yeah.
Insanity.
Most times, I felt like I was living in my own personal hell.
And eventually I had to consider:
What if the way out isn't around myself ?
What if it's through?
Maybe there isn't a cheat code after all. (If there is, please let me know!)
Maybe some things have to be lived through, felt through, and sifted through.
One piece at a time.
And maybe that's where becoming on purpose actually begins.
With much love,
Sisoli Malaika